Why does it matter?

Dear Mayang,

The ultimate response to most things would certainly have to be "why does it matter". I sometimes wonder whether all the things I have done really make any sense, and ultimately what impact they make in this humongous circle of life. Do we really make ripples, or are they swallowed up by the multitudinous combinations that occur whether or not we exist.

Does a life as a head of state mean that one is better being a low income family man? With so many pros and cons everywhere, maybe its better for us to live a balanced lifestyle.

Have I been balanced enough?

Long time no post

Interestingly, I have not been able to post regularly in this blog.

To put in bluntly, the reason I wrote this blog is because if something should happen to me, some part of our relationship would continue, and possibly aid in the grieving process.

But I guess, its hard to keep a journal based on this goal. The thought of death is not a topic that readily comes to us. Especially not me, at 30 years old, where I am supposed to be at the "peak" of my health (a contestable point). Perhaps all the more I should write here, as any passing at this point would be sudden and would probably cause a great shock to you.

Here is the ironic thing about death. Me dying suddenly at 30 would probably make a great impact in the lives of people left behind, and hopefully be a painless one, compared to if I were to die a long painful death at age 90. As Kurt Cobain famously put in his suicide letter "it's better to die than to fade away." Unfortunately the former would cause great pain and perhaps trauma to those left behind, and possibly you would probably cause less discomfort dying in old age.

Lately reflection of life after death is something that I think about, not with great apprehension but one of curiosity. Our religion says that we would be reunited after death, and I certainly hope to be reunited with you, my best friend. But ultimately there's a lingering doubt about the truth of religion and all, which defies all logical permutations. But I guess, faith is something that transcends logic, and with that, so is Love.

And I'm quite sure my love for you transcends logic.

Holidays with you

Just completed another wonderful holiday with you to Bali. I think holidays are a wonderful return to our days of courtship where we don't have to think about our relatives and of mundane things such as housework and bills. For a short time we can just forget these things and just focus on our relationships and love for each other.
We can laugh at the dumb things we both did and also fall on love again at that wonderful night at the jimbaran beach.

I realise now the importance of going on holidays and will certainly make more effort towards blocking out leave and planning for more wonderful getaways!

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Sleeping with you

Each time before I sleep, I never fail to glance and hug the tiny quiet angel sleeping by my side. As you breathe quietly and beautifully I really have to thank and praise Allah for allowing someone like me to be able to be with an angel like you.

Love you lots.
Ayis
















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Losing you

I have had nightmares of losing you. It can be so hard to fathom even that very prospect of losing you, but that is probably a very real thing that we both may need to face. Even more obvious is the fact that I see my fellow (much older) participants in my grad dip programme whose spouses have passed away.

I look at P, who had recently lost his wife and see the tears well up in his eyes as he talks fondly about her. Surely death should be a celebration of life as opposed to a mourning and a lapse into depression.

I wonder whether I can be brave enough to pray that I would stay longer than you so you won't bear the pain of your loss, such as the one you felt from grandma Rahimah. I would attempt as difficult as possible to celebrate your wonderful life as a wonderful wife, daughter, sister, mentor and teacher. That may just keep me going, as painful as it is.

But ultimately our lot in life is ultimately in the hands of Allah, and I may not necessarily have that wish. So should I go first, do know that I love you forever, my sun and stars, you are my everything. do celebrate the wonderful memories we have carved out together and Insya Allah, we will reunite forever in the after life ( I might have to join you a little later though.... Some 'cleansing' to do...*shudder*).

Love you sweetie

Saying Hullo!

I begin letters to Mayang as means to convey to my darling wife things I feel about her, and also hopefully as a means to help cope should I pass on before her.

It is a possibility that is very viable, in fact it is other me or you, and knowing how much I feel for you, and the pain I would inevitably go through should I lose you, it's something I wouldnt want to happen to you.

I was reading this article based on narrative therapy in this book, and of how our concept of our life through our life stories may be affected through the lost of a loved one, and one way to review our constructed life stories is through the metaphor of "Hullo again!"

This is where we revisit our lost loved ones, and appreciate ourselves through the eyes of this person should he be alive. And I want you to appreciate yourself in my eyes, and what better way for you to experience it than for me to tell you myself what I appreciate about you!

First thing that comes to mind
I appreciate your laughters whenever I tell a joke, or whenever we watch something funny together. Your laughter and appreciation for a good joke is something I always love to hear and attain, so much so that nowadays I don't like watching comedies without you (cue the Office). Things are so much less funny and cheery when you are around, you are the glow that compliments all the beautiful things in the world. My glowing and shining star.

Love you lots my little tiny duck

From your Hunny Bear